"I promise...."

I got 'til Friday to decide what needs to be done before I go back to Pampanga. 'Coz I'm not sure kung makakabalik pa ba ako ng maayos. Its just that there are a lot of possibilities na hindi na ko bumalik. 1st, temptation. The thirst for power really do tempt me to stay there for a while. To vent out my frustrations through physically hurting people which I don't want to do anymore. I might stay there for a while, a couple of days. A year. Or could be forever. But I still have reasons to come back. A lot of reasons.

Maybe you were wondering why am I going back to that old place which I hated the most. Gaya ng isang kaibigan na nagtanong sa'kin. "Ano bang gagawin mo dun?" she asked. Hindi ko s'ya masagot ng diretso even though I trust her. I just answered, "May aayusin lang ako. Ikukwento ko na lang sa'yo pagbalik ko." Even though I'm not quite sure if makakabalik nga ba ko or what. But come to think of it. Kung gusto mo talaga, makakabalik ka. Its been countless night now, I've been thinking what would be my main reason why should I go back here. To my present life where everything is peaceful. Everyone is my friend. Everyday I'm not afraid to anyone. Where I can sleep every night peacefully and not thinking what should I do for tomorrow to come home safe again. But sometimes I feel that this kind of life is boring. No excitement at all. When you wake in the morning, you'll eat, take a bath, dress up then go to work. At the end of your shift, go home, eat, sleep. And you'll the same thing everyday. Not like before where in before you sleep, you'll think first "Who'll gonna challenge tomorrow? Do they have any plans how they are going to hurt me? Will they be in a group? What should I do?" Thinking about it really gives you adrenaline rush.

Still, I promised to myself that I will never, ever gonna back to the place again. But I need to. I want to. I want to see it for myself how the place changed when I'm gone. They said chaos rules the place now. Not like before when they have someone to follow. Someone who will protect them. Someone that will say "Magiging maayos din ang lahat" which will make them calm. Now I have a reason why should I go back there. To fix things up. To end the chaos and make things in order again. This is what really happens when there is no one to lead a group. Every one of them wants to be a leader. But not worthy enough to be trusted. Because they all know that those people who wants to have the "Emperor" position is full greed of power. Thirst for blood. We need to stop this. I need to stop this. When everything is fixed. When everything is in order. I'll be leaving them again but I'll make sure that they will have someone to follow. Someone who will lead them. Someone that they can trust. A new "Emperor" will lead the "Grounds." But will he be worthy enough to be a leader? Will he be strong enough to stand up and defeat the current "Emperor"? Even though you just want to give up and pass the responsibility to someone, you just can't do that. That's how the rule goes, right?

Now I found the reason why I should leave them and leave the life that I want. I want to see my parents again and take care of them. I want to see my girlfriend and go out with her every time I have free time. I want to sleep for long hours without thinking anything about anything. I want to see a friend and tell her what happened to me back then as I promised. I want to see my friends at work again and smile at them when they call me "Ron!"

I promise. I'll be back.



-end

Temptation

"Ang basahan, kahit ilang beses mo labhan, basahan pa din."

Have you ever had a feeling that you want to go back to your old self? Even though hindi maganda but because of whats happening around tempts you become that old person again to fulfill your contentment. Thats what I feel right now. Because of frustration and stressed, I want to become the "OLD" me again.


Its been 6 years now since I left Pampanga. A lot of reasons come into my mind that time to make me decide to depart the place I've been holding for 4 years. I've grown myself through chaos and bloodshed. Everyone is afraid to talk to you or be your friend because they know when they became close to you, they will get hurt. You have people around you who always follow what you say like dogs, whatever or whenever you ask them to but they will hurt and beat you to take your place and be named as the new lead. There is also a lot of people who wants to hurt you everytime they caught you off guard. That's why I don't trust anybody at that time. Even though I have them rolling in my hand but I was never happy. I never was. Come to think of it, I didn't ask for this. I just protected myself that time to get beat up by some punk who tried to bully me because I'm new to the place. Not knowing that punk is the leader of a notorious gang who rules the whole stretch of Angeles City.


After a few weeks since I moved back to Cavite, I became completely different from what I am. Talking to people whom I barely knew. Experiencing social life. The complete opposite of me for real. Siguro dahil no one knows here what kind of life I had when I was away. But every night before I sleep, Im always thinking what if I became that old me again. Its like that "OLD" me is hunting me every night.


This week, I'm becoming that old me again. Not talking to anyone. Not even saying a word unless I was asked. Being alone most of the time. Like having a bad day everyday. Staring people like I'm gonna kill them. I don't know whats happening but that how I feel. But still, I am able to control myself.


Thanks for those people who truly understand me and being there even though they know the real me. Those who really cares even though I already stopped caring.



-end